Back. Night is still young so I can pen down my thoughts some more. I am beginning to like this writing down the thoughts stuff. I wrote a story when I was in germany. I like it. You can google Saurabh Chechi and you will find it if you are interested. That was a dark time in my life (like most of it :)) I used to avoid the smileys when I started off on internet. I think the reason was just to be plainly unconventional which I have always tried to be and now I have turned out into one. Sometimes I try to be "normal one" but just get bored of it. Digging deep I know it is my insecurity which makes me try to be not be one of the many but I have given up trying to change mysef. Change happens every moment and I will one day disappear in the cloud, the mist and it does not really matter. Happiness is an obscure gun I would say. I think the touple of sadness and joy is inseparable. I do not have control over both. This girl I was dating named very poetically Mary K Griffin voiced out her very poetic thought on one very poetic drive on the Rainier mountain. We had planned to go hiking and it was raining when I woke up at 8 (!!!). I called her and she tried to reason me out of it but I insisted and we decided to go anyways. Not hiking but on a dive. She came with a while umbrella with a sunny smile on a very grey morning. It was our early dates but we were very comfortable with each other right from start (Strange that when we got together it was never that comfortable). She was giggly in the beginning but started shedding her masks soon. Discussion started with safe subjects (not weather!) and moved toward interesting. I gave her a glimpse of my insecurities and she gave me some. Am I digressing again? No. What reminded me of her is that she said very insightful thing that we long for joy as well as pain because both make us feel alive. Thats beautiful coming from a beautiful Mary K. Now she is gone like all of them. It all turned strange after the first time we made love (in a club!!). She had issues like all of them. Women I can never understand (my mom included). I appreciate the way they work, always stay close to life while we men wander into the unkown jungles of our minds and try to carve a path through it toward the unknown. Women live in the realities of life and they get so involved in it that they create their own jungles within the realities. There is this german tekno record I have which my friend translated for me. Its a calm voice of teenager singing:
If I would be myself
If I would be myself
If I would be myself (you know how repititive the tekno music is - I love it!!)
If I would be myself

If I would be myself
If I would be myself
If I would be myself
If I would be myself

I would be with you

(For the curious folks it is mix by Ricardo Villa Lobos)

Soren said it would fit perfectly on Mary K's lips. I want to believe him but I think she has too many issues to deal with.

Next week thursday I am off to Sacramento for two weeks. It has been while since I had two weeks vacations. This country sucks in case of vacations (and many other things). 3 weeks vacations in an year!! It is a human need to have vacations. Jews have compulsary Sabbath every weekend. This capitalist movement is so shallow in its foundation. Strange that the people in richest country of the world are the ones slogging the most. Running after ephemeral riches. And to think of it what does it mean to be "rich"? Richness has nothing to do with your bank balance or the property you have your name tag on. Richest person is one who doe not belong in this circle. Another one of mind's tricks. Human mind is the most massive animal around. Dinasours cant compete with it.

Had another cigarette in the icy cold wind. I am very habit forming person (OCD?). Everything I like I get attached to it. I feel it is very deep rooted insecurity in me. Knowing it does not cure it. Change (psychological) is very painful process. The entangled neuron branches have their own inertia. Changing the inertia is painful. It might be the root cause of our sufferings. Still there is longing inside which craves for change toward "better". Is there any better? Is everyone suffering? (nanak dukhiya sab sansar?) From distance people look happy (happier than you) but as you creep in closer you find their souls weeping like yours. It is a litte comforting to know that in an evil way. It is like jumping off the cliff with a bunch is easier than taking the fall alone. Social animals we are in a very deep way. Collborating our fears with other scared creatures doesnt kill the fear. It moves in the shadow looking for an opportune moment to pounce on you when you are most vulnerable. Reading Vivekananda used to give me strength (ephemeral). Reading the lastt words of Buddha gives me strength also:

All things compounded can be broken down into elements
With midfulness strive on

Punkt.