It is strange how we divide our lives into years months weeks days and even hours. Mornings afternoons evenings nights. This year is getting over and somehow seems like a milestone. I keep thinking of my age since forever. I wanted to grow old when I was kid and now I want it to slow down.
This year has been craziest I guess. So many people I met in this new adopted country of mine. First time I lived in a foriegn country where I could speak their language. This country is very speacial in a way. Very nascent culture. People are lost searching for their roots. People are lost everywhere but they have the habits passed on from ages and they get busy doing the culture thing but here the history is all confused. Everyone is irish or german or italian on indian. The ones who say we are americans with pride are the most confused ones. This area of the country is more european like. People are aware about the oppressionsistic attitude of their forefather's adopted country. I do not have very strong opinions about it as my own country is way more corrupt in every sense of the word. India has such a shallow existence in our times, it just sucks to live there if you do not plan to start a revolution. Your next door neighbour would walk over you without thinking twice. That makes me think anyone would walk over you if it comes to that last moment. Love and peace is a shallow hippy slogan. I feel most free when I am ready to kill or die for slightest reason. Mostly thats when I am high on something. The regular life is boring insensitive life.
Last night these guys I know from before in a bar came over to my place for drinks and some jamming. Punk dudes. All talk no walk. Noone wants to address the real questions of life. Why do I get sad? Thats the question which needs to be addressed. Rest all are waste of energy.
Recommended music from today: Fugazi!

Tomorrow my vacations begin, I was supposed to work today but called in sick. Couldnt wait to call this year off. Has been pretty eventful year and I am bit scared of oncoming San Fran. Gonna be a riot

Back. Night is still young so I can pen down my thoughts some more. I am beginning to like this writing down the thoughts stuff. I wrote a story when I was in germany. I like it. You can google Saurabh Chechi and you will find it if you are interested. That was a dark time in my life (like most of it :)) I used to avoid the smileys when I started off on internet. I think the reason was just to be plainly unconventional which I have always tried to be and now I have turned out into one. Sometimes I try to be "normal one" but just get bored of it. Digging deep I know it is my insecurity which makes me try to be not be one of the many but I have given up trying to change mysef. Change happens every moment and I will one day disappear in the cloud, the mist and it does not really matter. Happiness is an obscure gun I would say. I think the touple of sadness and joy is inseparable. I do not have control over both. This girl I was dating named very poetically Mary K Griffin voiced out her very poetic thought on one very poetic drive on the Rainier mountain. We had planned to go hiking and it was raining when I woke up at 8 (!!!). I called her and she tried to reason me out of it but I insisted and we decided to go anyways. Not hiking but on a dive. She came with a while umbrella with a sunny smile on a very grey morning. It was our early dates but we were very comfortable with each other right from start (Strange that when we got together it was never that comfortable). She was giggly in the beginning but started shedding her masks soon. Discussion started with safe subjects (not weather!) and moved toward interesting. I gave her a glimpse of my insecurities and she gave me some. Am I digressing again? No. What reminded me of her is that she said very insightful thing that we long for joy as well as pain because both make us feel alive. Thats beautiful coming from a beautiful Mary K. Now she is gone like all of them. It all turned strange after the first time we made love (in a club!!). She had issues like all of them. Women I can never understand (my mom included). I appreciate the way they work, always stay close to life while we men wander into the unkown jungles of our minds and try to carve a path through it toward the unknown. Women live in the realities of life and they get so involved in it that they create their own jungles within the realities. There is this german tekno record I have which my friend translated for me. Its a calm voice of teenager singing:
If I would be myself
If I would be myself
If I would be myself (you know how repititive the tekno music is - I love it!!)
If I would be myself

If I would be myself
If I would be myself
If I would be myself
If I would be myself

I would be with you

(For the curious folks it is mix by Ricardo Villa Lobos)

Soren said it would fit perfectly on Mary K's lips. I want to believe him but I think she has too many issues to deal with.

Next week thursday I am off to Sacramento for two weeks. It has been while since I had two weeks vacations. This country sucks in case of vacations (and many other things). 3 weeks vacations in an year!! It is a human need to have vacations. Jews have compulsary Sabbath every weekend. This capitalist movement is so shallow in its foundation. Strange that the people in richest country of the world are the ones slogging the most. Running after ephemeral riches. And to think of it what does it mean to be "rich"? Richness has nothing to do with your bank balance or the property you have your name tag on. Richest person is one who doe not belong in this circle. Another one of mind's tricks. Human mind is the most massive animal around. Dinasours cant compete with it.

Had another cigarette in the icy cold wind. I am very habit forming person (OCD?). Everything I like I get attached to it. I feel it is very deep rooted insecurity in me. Knowing it does not cure it. Change (psychological) is very painful process. The entangled neuron branches have their own inertia. Changing the inertia is painful. It might be the root cause of our sufferings. Still there is longing inside which craves for change toward "better". Is there any better? Is everyone suffering? (nanak dukhiya sab sansar?) From distance people look happy (happier than you) but as you creep in closer you find their souls weeping like yours. It is a litte comforting to know that in an evil way. It is like jumping off the cliff with a bunch is easier than taking the fall alone. Social animals we are in a very deep way. Collborating our fears with other scared creatures doesnt kill the fear. It moves in the shadow looking for an opportune moment to pounce on you when you are most vulnerable. Reading Vivekananda used to give me strength (ephemeral). Reading the lastt words of Buddha gives me strength also:

All things compounded can be broken down into elements
With midfulness strive on

Punkt.

Wanna write some more. Got ample time and I like it. Does anyone read it? Thats the fun. Writing in your compter is pretty boring, you are pretty sure it is gonna stay in the word document forever and these word documents I hate. Not many things I hate in life but these word docs outlook powerpoint stuff just gets on my head. Reminds me of all the tasteless information enclosed in these slimy virtual documents. They even tried to hook people to read books on computer (even on tapes!!!!). How stupid can the masses get? Hitler said masses are stupid. He was crazyassbastard but he did have a point sometimes. Turning the page, touching it slightly, taking care not to crumble the page and making sure it is only one page you turn is part of reading a book which they would never undestand. Who are "they" after all? You? Not me for sure. "They" always seem to have their way more than I do. Does everyone feel the same?
Took a break. Lost the line of thought. Writing is better than drinking beer and thinking. Drinking beer and writing even besser. My language is all mixed up, hindi punjabi english german spanish. Global era they say. I am right in the middle. I was thinking that I had my birthday in 4 different countries between 2002 and 2005 and each time I was living there! Not a tourist, not a shadow passing through your neighbourhood. I am not a good tourist, always spend the whole vacation within a mile radius, doesnt matter how long I am visiting. My mama always asks did I saw this or that and I end up feeling a bit guity about not being curious about Jerusalem or Eifel towers. Didnt even know theres a thing called seattle needle until after living for 4 months in seattle. I had seen the structure on solitary walks on cap hill but never ventured out to find the name tag for the beautiful thing. Digression. If you are housemusiclovers go to robert-johnsn.de, best club and best music (best girls? don know).
It is saturday night. Holiday season on top. Gonna be crazy tonite.

I dont like dusk, specially Seattle's winter dusk. Day seems darker than night. The gloom starts growing on you as it slowly inches toward dusk. Then you go out for your hourly smoke and its all dark and nice. I like it glowing or pitch black. Thats what I alway wear either white or black, no shades for me. Never really chose it. Dark chose me maybe. It is good in a way. I dont have to waste any time chosing stuff to wear coz everything looks similarly dark or bright. The only white jacket I got has some red stains on it. I bought it recently and do not remember any gruesome moments recently so bloody red stains are difficult to explain (like everything else). I fell from bike recently (around 10 times) but I wasnt wearing the white jacket then. Next day my palm was bleeding but wasnt hurting so I just went like that to work (late late late). Said hello to next office gir Elif and she jumped seeing my bleeding palm. She did the first aid and stuff and then she saw my white jacket with the red stains. I told her thats not from the fall. She didnt believe it. Noone believes anyone truly I think. It is our little lies which betray the confidence in truth. They made this simple word so corrupt, almost sounds religious when you talk about it when it is the most simple thing in the world. I am again digressing from the black and white I wanted to address in my life. Red seems to have crept in silently. Red is interesting also. I always used to answer the girly question of my best color with blue. Lie. Blue I dont like, not hate it but its just not around me and I dont dig the color blue (I like movie though, again Red is my favorite among the trilogy). That reminds me it has been a while since I have been asked this boring question. Maybe I am growing up and not meeting those fakes any more. Fake is wrong word but this language is my third one (afer punjabi and hindi) and I am still in process of getting my ins ats withs fors in place. It is a very non intuitive language this english one. So much context based that you cant learn it in school. And now the american one is confusing me even more. Me and my german buddy refer to everything as a thing which works for our communication. More digressions. Thats how mind works, starts in rome and goes all the way from thailand to Japan to pacific to atlantic to morocco and back to rome. All circles. Every morning I try to wake up aroud 10. Then the halfsleepthoughts take over for next one hour. Totally silly circular thoughts. Head starts buzzing after a while and I turn around in bed to start another train. Evolution should give us a stop switch for brain. I would keep it on stop for most of that time I guess and so would you. Now it totally dark outside and I feel like meself again. There should be a step discontinuouity (nospellingbeemee) during dusk time. Day and night should not flirt everyday. Smooth transitions are not wanted. One moment light and next darkness. Thats my way. So long.

My friends just left for Germany so me alone in this huge house. Silence seems to echo. The book i am reading is almost over so decided to write some more after ages. Dont know what to write about though. Lets see. Mind suddenly went blank. Thats what I have seen about writing when you think you cant write. It has to be in a flow so you must really have something substantial else its nothing. Alright I will write about the party we had last weekend. We had just finished the basement bar and turntables and painting the roof of basement so we decided to inaugurate it before they leave for Germany for christmas and new year. Plan was that Amanda should just be the invitor and me and Soren should be the organizer. I am not so good at it but I am good at following instructions and the plan serves us good as Amanda doesnt need to get all stressed about it. We decided to keep it small just close friends, good food, good music and hellofa lotsa beer and boooze. We ended up inviting ten times more people than we planned so Soren had to cook for two days (some german speciality which I didnt even get a chance to taste and half of it is still lying in the fridge). We bought a Keg of PBR (cheap American beer), 3 bottles of Vodka, 5 bottles of wine and a bottle of Struh Rum (Straw Run 160 proof). Party was supposed to be on saturday but me and Soren started kicking it 2 days earlier. Still we managed to fight off hangover with beer and were ready to welcome guests while sipping beer from morning. Well, I am getting sleepy and not so up to describing the drunken exploits. Later

Me back! i know its only you who reads this but who knows? Lot of water has gone beneath since last I wrote but still seems like nothing has changed. Its the same old job and its getting worse by day if not hour. Good thing I am moving tomorrow with a friend of mine and his wife and angelic kid Mara. Its a big house next to lake, summers are around the corner so me excited! Flip side I gotta work my ass off tomorrow while moving all the shit I have accumulated in last one year in seattle. Oh yeah its been an year now, well almost. Seems like ages. The good thing about this country is that its very accomodating to foriegners. Maybe coz everyone is stranger over here. Now me should catch some sleep. Tomorrow is another day, a long one I am sure.

This guy was there. American very. My friend was also there. in a bar. cliched as it can be thats how it was. Just told m friend not to disturb me. I got problem with y ke so if something is not somprehensible add y to it. So this guy was really interesting in quirky sort of way. He started askin about how indians are culturall n shit. I am straight perosn so started telling him what i know but he kept on goin an me kept goin also. It got reall long so I realized some indian guy did him bad at work n stuff. Its crazy how we associate our problems to our experiences. We trouble ourselves and thats it! that is it! Again told my friend not to disturb me.
We talked about lot of stuff. Does it really matter? We talk all the time. Does talking thinking change us at all? We make the same mistakes. I do for sure. Life is a puzzle I couldnt make out at all. I am trying.
This guy at the other bar recognized me and greeted me very warmly. I had been to that bar after months. Felt nice. We got more drunk and talked more about comforting thoughts. There was this girl with pearly smile who took my attention for a while.
Life goes on and on. I feel like a football. Circumstanes kick me. I wanna be the player not the ball.

Manic depression must be awful. The world closes in on you and you cant do nothing about it. My cousin used to hide beneath the stairs of his school all day. He is still hanging on to his hell. Says he likes the sadness. I dont believe him but there is nothing coming from him that is not truth. The bare basic truth. Thats the part of his hell. He cant ignore the ugliness we normal ones do. Manic depression makes you see the world bare naked. The hope dies.
Today has been very lonesome. It is part of my sunday evening hangover. It will pass but I am scared this one might leave a mark. Will I be able to love so willingly ever again? The rational part says no and there is a hope which says you do fall in love and there is only one way to fall that is to let go. I have this urge to hear her when I know it will only throw me more into the depths.

I hate hangovers. This numb feeling in the head adds to the gloom. One need to remind oneself all the time that it is gonna pass. Does it ever pass? or does it hide? I was in half sleep when the phone ring forced me to get up. It was Mo. She wanted a ride to her car. I told her that I will be at her place in an hour or so. I dozed off a little thinking of the images from previous night. It seemed like a dark party in dungeons. Music was awesome that much I remember and Mo was also quite in her element. About myself I couldnt remember at all if I was happy sad or plain drunk? Zombie?
We had spent a while at her place I had played walk on the wild side and left before doing anything silly.
It was bright sunny outside when I got to Mo's place. She came out all smiles and happy. Seeing me light a cig she stole one from me. It was funny coz she said she quit 2 years back and she was smoking all the time since last evening. We got her car and chilled for a while at her place. I was feeling too lazy so I came back and tried dozing off on empty stomach. Couple of hours of bad sleep later I hopped in my car put on this techno cd on full volume and headed straight to subway. Capitol hill is always booming with energy. The homeless and not so homeless give the place lot of character. There was this car with 5 teenage gilrs all shouting and dancing and teasing the passerbyes. One of them locked eyes with me and for a moment she lost the collective frenzy of the car and just stared at me for a while. I smiled and she was back with her friends. It was a happy sight.

I am pretty done for the night but gotta finish this duty I have borne on myself. Dont really feel like writing nothing. Just back from this party with Mo. She is alright but not really my kind. We went to this very cool party which was cool. We snorted some one the way and were pretty alright inside. Met this brazilian guy from work there. He sort of liked Mo I think was trying to play his charms around her. Last night was veryy crazy. I dont remember much of it but I do remember that I was alright. Sleep now.....

There was this guy walking his dog. A huge dog I should say and one with loads of personality. While crossing the road he just stopped in the middle of the road looking very interestedly at my red car. Poor guy had to pick the monster and cross the road. Then he continued following his master. It was funny. I was looking for parking all around the busy capitol hill with good techno going on in the car. Spent almost half an hour in parking the car and enjoyed ever bit of it. Was almost disappointed to find an empty place but logic took over and I walked away from the happy music.
Last night is where I should continue from. I guzzled in few beers before calling the ca for this supposedly big time party. I was astonished to see a mile long queue at the door. It was biting cold and I wasnt feeling on top anyways but returning home wasnt an option. I looked at my mobile for time. Was almost hopeful that message was waiting. Standing alone in the queue got me thinking again. The beer was going down making me uneasy with her thoughts. Without thinking I sent her another message asking if she is mad. No answer. I waited a while before calling up. No answer. It was half an hour and queue hadnt moved more than a feet. Impulsively I started walking uphill. People all cuddled up in jackets and partners gave the road a classic winter feel. I decided to go to this place with live local bands a few block away. A nice indie band was playing with lot of energy. Reminded me of all the plans we had made about watching punk bands all around the country. I gulped in couple of rum shots and heard the phone buzz. I reluctantly read the message. The coldness I had expected was what I got. I deleted the message promptly and got back to the cursing mode. The loud music and alcohol made it easy to forget. I got out for a fag and thought of calling this girl I met couple of weeks back. Didnt even remember her face but she had called up. She answered with sweet hi and this and that. I asked her out. She told me to call in the second week of next month. She is an artist just moved to seattle. Sounds american but interesting. She got me distracted from her and I thank her for that.
Just spoke with my mom. Dont feel like writing anymore. Feeling alright though. Tonite's gonna be crazy at Capitol Hill Arts Center

I couldnt sleep well last night. Smoked two cigarettes in half agonizing sleep. The heart beat was uneven and I could feel blood rushing into my fingertips with gushes. That meant that getting up at 7.30 would be difficult. The alarm got me up and I kept lying down staring at the ceiling pondering to go or not to go. rushing aside doubts I got up in a flash, brushed my teeth washed my face put on a pullover jeans shoes collected the keys and got inside my car in less than 15 minutes. The traffic was horrible. The bus was supposed to leave at 8.45 sharp as the mail had said. I am ver particular about time so got a bit anxious in the beginning but then realized I wasnt so keen on going anways. I reached office at 9 and found the bus still waiting. Nothing exciting about the bus being there or not. Robotically I collected the form from my desk and proceeded towards the bus. Realizing that driver was in no hurry to leave I grabbed a cup of coffee and stood aside smoking. Getting in a bus full of strangers who dont act like strangers at all times was something I wanted to avoid as much as possible. The oldish looking bus driver with a very kind face also took the cue and lit a lights for himself. We engaged in a small talk. He had lived in germany for 10 years and missed the good times he had over there. Every evening he would go out to a bar and buy everyone a round of beers. He almost forgot about me while thinking aloud. I reall liked this guy. He was warm. Strange how much you can peep into someone's life just over a cigarette. Just over a cigarette...
I got in the bus to find the only 3 people I know by name sitting in front 2 seats which was comforting as I was trying to shy off the gazes of people on the incoming person. Quickly I settled beside the american guy who was in cheerful mood. I sort of envied them. The conversation was seeking laughter and I tried joining in. It worked for a while but just for a while. I excused myself and closed my eyes. She started playing tricks with my mind but I refused to get startled. Plainly watched her kick me around.
I was woken up by the kiddish girl in my team. She was obviously very excited about the upcoming fun. I also felt cheerful to be in the mountains. There was snow all around and sun was bright. People had their gadgets ready for skiing. After a long wait the likes of me got the rented equipment and got on the flat beginners area. The instructor gave us tips and it was fun to go around in skies falling down getting up. Falling down getting up. Yes that was fun. I got off the snow for a smoke and noticed her smoking at a distance. She looked so much like her. I decided to send a message to her. The usual hi and this and that. That ruined my day. She didnt answer and I was waiting. Still waiting. Knowing that it would never come or if it does it would be colder than the icy winds of ski resort.
Mind hasnt evolved properly I think. It contributes to its own despair.
Now I am back home with a beer at my side. Its a long weekend, gonna get crazy at some crazy techno parties. They will hear me, they always do.

So much I have to say still when I open this thing I go blank. Another of mind's mysteries? Yeah it has me in wraps and bundles. just doesnt let go or is it me not letting it go? All confusions. Sometimes I get so clear like the alcoholics reference to moments of clarity. I mean not when I am drunk. It happens everyday for a while that I feel I am totally clear about everything and what I am gonna do but then it goes after a while. I am beginning to feel mind is more close to waves than particle. It goes up and comes down. The period is variable and the same things keep coming and going. It does behave in wavy way for sure. And takes me along on the ride even when I dont like high tides...
Anyways about today. I woke up with a ring of incoming message. Though of checking ti in half sleep but rolled back to my incomprehensive dreams. I woke up a few hours later and remembered the message. I thought who it mmight be and suddenly it was joy in me that I didnt even think for a moment that she might have sent it. She used to wake me up everyday. I was pretty sure it wasnt her but the absense of her thought made me feel like I am out of it now. The meditation from last night might have worked. I was so wrong. The whole day she was sitting on top of my head. The message was from a friend on whom I had a crush for a month. She is coming over next month to visit me and I am not even excited.
At work it was the usual stuff but we have long weekend this time. Tommorrow we go for skiing and friday they pack our stuff to move to different office. I am little scared to be by myself all this time. Going to work is a good distraction else she keeps hovering over me.
Thinking of that I can say that today was totally uneventful day. Nothing notable happened. Absolutely nothing.

Well, today didnt really turnout to be replay after all. Its strange how much changes in our lives in lets say a week. Look at pst week and the week before that, so many people we met so much changed but still mind gives an impression of everlasting present. Anyways I woke up with bad headache which is usual these days. I popped in a pill with two glasses of water and decided to call in sick at work. Well not really a lie. Her thoughts were still lingering and I could remember sending her a message in a convoluted manner last night. Mind was already playing soccer with me and I wasnt even awake. Felt like its gonna be another agonizingly long day. I got out for customary morning coffee though it was already after noon. Shaila was there alright with my extra sweet coffee. The world was moving around me with its tuesday afternoon indifference. It was cloudy but not so dark. I parked the car on the street and smoked the first cigarette of the day which sipping Shaila's coffee. The line of autumn trees with the still parked cars on the street gave a feeling of hybernation. It would have been good if we could also hybernate for few months in an year.
I went back for a nap with my mind already tired of the game. Dreams were fiery as is usual these days. A single glimpse of her wakes me up. I meditated for a while trying not to get overwhelmed by the sensations. After all fear love hate joy everything is a sensation only. We fall in love with them and get to hate them which is the root of all problems in my opinion. It doesnt help my situation though...
I got up again pretty late, went out for a sandwich and now I am off to watch Inland Empire. David Lynch is the best and I heard its a long one so killing time this evening would not be an issue.
So long invisible spectators...

I dont know whats i my head. Theres lots. Alright lemme start from the begining like yesterday. Thats how I promised right, all truth about everyday. Sneak in my diary all you want. No secrets in my backyard.
I woke up sweating this morning, it was a crazy dream. I know the analysis of it coz i did it in my sleep itself. My brother was there telling me about how to do stuff. Dont remember exactly now but that how it was and I was shouting at him that its enough. He said something sarcastic and I was out of my element and screamed. He mentioned something like being nice and all and I shot back that its not enough.
I got up with clock saying noon with seattle sky all gloomy outside. I didnt give much though to it. Had an urge to call in sick, not exactly a lie since I could have slept coz of hangover for another few hours but I had to send these green card papers, today was the deadline so I got up, broushed my teeth, tied my shoe laces and went off just like that in the clothes I was sleeping in. I have been dong that since many many years u know. I sleep in whatever and wake up and go in whatever. People find it strange but its pretty alright i guess. Not many girls have complained of bad smelling me, I mean not so aggresively.
I got my usual coffee on the way from pretty Shaila (or Shayla). My office mate greeted me with usual good afternoon as well and the sual how was the weekends also went on but me was busy with her imageries in my mind. The usual thing went on with me and my computer and all the shit all around. Its not so bad actually but I dont dig it too much also. Evenings we played poker without real money which works alright coz I am the worst gambler around. This time I did better and it was fun.
On the way back I picked up my camera I had forgotten at my friend's place last night and went straight to the bar next to my place. I had thught of getting one drink but it got enough as maybe u can feel.....
now me bored again of this writing shit to noone at all.
tommorrow is another day? I fee l like I can hit replay and it wud work the same....

I am gonna give an accurate account of my day from today. Today I woke up at 2 in the afternoon. Actually I woke up at 7 ealier also but it has become a habit for me now. I got up thinking about her like all this while. I wasnt sad anymore, more felt like a diseased person who is getting well, maybe. I drank a big glass of water, looked for a cigeratte found one smoked it on bed thinking of the dreams of not so while away. Didnt even realize it was much after noon when I got up. I jerked off while still in half sleep, like always and kept lyng about thinking whats there to wake up for? After dozing off for a while more, I got up instictively put on t shirt jeans and drove to the coffee shop by the corner. The beautiful one was there alright. She played her usual charms while preparing coffee and I tried playing it cool. Dark clouds had decended down in the afternoon. Bob Dylan was playing merrily in the radio about the changing times and all. I smoked a long sad cigeratte while sipping coffee.
Evening I had to to go to my friend's daughter's (is it allowed to have two such consecutive 's es) first birthday party. I like this friend of mine. When we meet we always get crazy. Tonight was bit more family kind affair but I still managed to ger pretty good sloshed. The grandpa was reall cool chap. I got out for smoke and he came following saying it gets hard on my nerves to be around so many people.
Theres much more to say but I am bored. Ask me whatever you want. Its an open book blog here....