This guy was there. American very. My friend was also there. in a bar. cliched as it can be thats how it was. Just told m friend not to disturb me. I got problem with y ke so if something is not somprehensible add y to it. So this guy was really interesting in quirky sort of way. He started askin about how indians are culturall n shit. I am straight perosn so started telling him what i know but he kept on goin an me kept goin also. It got reall long so I realized some indian guy did him bad at work n stuff. Its crazy how we associate our problems to our experiences. We trouble ourselves and thats it! that is it! Again told my friend not to disturb me.
We talked about lot of stuff. Does it really matter? We talk all the time. Does talking thinking change us at all? We make the same mistakes. I do for sure. Life is a puzzle I couldnt make out at all. I am trying.
This guy at the other bar recognized me and greeted me very warmly. I had been to that bar after months. Felt nice. We got more drunk and talked more about comforting thoughts. There was this girl with pearly smile who took my attention for a while.
Life goes on and on. I feel like a football. Circumstanes kick me. I wanna be the player not the ball.

Manic depression must be awful. The world closes in on you and you cant do nothing about it. My cousin used to hide beneath the stairs of his school all day. He is still hanging on to his hell. Says he likes the sadness. I dont believe him but there is nothing coming from him that is not truth. The bare basic truth. Thats the part of his hell. He cant ignore the ugliness we normal ones do. Manic depression makes you see the world bare naked. The hope dies.
Today has been very lonesome. It is part of my sunday evening hangover. It will pass but I am scared this one might leave a mark. Will I be able to love so willingly ever again? The rational part says no and there is a hope which says you do fall in love and there is only one way to fall that is to let go. I have this urge to hear her when I know it will only throw me more into the depths.

I hate hangovers. This numb feeling in the head adds to the gloom. One need to remind oneself all the time that it is gonna pass. Does it ever pass? or does it hide? I was in half sleep when the phone ring forced me to get up. It was Mo. She wanted a ride to her car. I told her that I will be at her place in an hour or so. I dozed off a little thinking of the images from previous night. It seemed like a dark party in dungeons. Music was awesome that much I remember and Mo was also quite in her element. About myself I couldnt remember at all if I was happy sad or plain drunk? Zombie?
We had spent a while at her place I had played walk on the wild side and left before doing anything silly.
It was bright sunny outside when I got to Mo's place. She came out all smiles and happy. Seeing me light a cig she stole one from me. It was funny coz she said she quit 2 years back and she was smoking all the time since last evening. We got her car and chilled for a while at her place. I was feeling too lazy so I came back and tried dozing off on empty stomach. Couple of hours of bad sleep later I hopped in my car put on this techno cd on full volume and headed straight to subway. Capitol hill is always booming with energy. The homeless and not so homeless give the place lot of character. There was this car with 5 teenage gilrs all shouting and dancing and teasing the passerbyes. One of them locked eyes with me and for a moment she lost the collective frenzy of the car and just stared at me for a while. I smiled and she was back with her friends. It was a happy sight.

I am pretty done for the night but gotta finish this duty I have borne on myself. Dont really feel like writing nothing. Just back from this party with Mo. She is alright but not really my kind. We went to this very cool party which was cool. We snorted some one the way and were pretty alright inside. Met this brazilian guy from work there. He sort of liked Mo I think was trying to play his charms around her. Last night was veryy crazy. I dont remember much of it but I do remember that I was alright. Sleep now.....

There was this guy walking his dog. A huge dog I should say and one with loads of personality. While crossing the road he just stopped in the middle of the road looking very interestedly at my red car. Poor guy had to pick the monster and cross the road. Then he continued following his master. It was funny. I was looking for parking all around the busy capitol hill with good techno going on in the car. Spent almost half an hour in parking the car and enjoyed ever bit of it. Was almost disappointed to find an empty place but logic took over and I walked away from the happy music.
Last night is where I should continue from. I guzzled in few beers before calling the ca for this supposedly big time party. I was astonished to see a mile long queue at the door. It was biting cold and I wasnt feeling on top anyways but returning home wasnt an option. I looked at my mobile for time. Was almost hopeful that message was waiting. Standing alone in the queue got me thinking again. The beer was going down making me uneasy with her thoughts. Without thinking I sent her another message asking if she is mad. No answer. I waited a while before calling up. No answer. It was half an hour and queue hadnt moved more than a feet. Impulsively I started walking uphill. People all cuddled up in jackets and partners gave the road a classic winter feel. I decided to go to this place with live local bands a few block away. A nice indie band was playing with lot of energy. Reminded me of all the plans we had made about watching punk bands all around the country. I gulped in couple of rum shots and heard the phone buzz. I reluctantly read the message. The coldness I had expected was what I got. I deleted the message promptly and got back to the cursing mode. The loud music and alcohol made it easy to forget. I got out for a fag and thought of calling this girl I met couple of weeks back. Didnt even remember her face but she had called up. She answered with sweet hi and this and that. I asked her out. She told me to call in the second week of next month. She is an artist just moved to seattle. Sounds american but interesting. She got me distracted from her and I thank her for that.
Just spoke with my mom. Dont feel like writing anymore. Feeling alright though. Tonite's gonna be crazy at Capitol Hill Arts Center

I couldnt sleep well last night. Smoked two cigarettes in half agonizing sleep. The heart beat was uneven and I could feel blood rushing into my fingertips with gushes. That meant that getting up at 7.30 would be difficult. The alarm got me up and I kept lying down staring at the ceiling pondering to go or not to go. rushing aside doubts I got up in a flash, brushed my teeth washed my face put on a pullover jeans shoes collected the keys and got inside my car in less than 15 minutes. The traffic was horrible. The bus was supposed to leave at 8.45 sharp as the mail had said. I am ver particular about time so got a bit anxious in the beginning but then realized I wasnt so keen on going anways. I reached office at 9 and found the bus still waiting. Nothing exciting about the bus being there or not. Robotically I collected the form from my desk and proceeded towards the bus. Realizing that driver was in no hurry to leave I grabbed a cup of coffee and stood aside smoking. Getting in a bus full of strangers who dont act like strangers at all times was something I wanted to avoid as much as possible. The oldish looking bus driver with a very kind face also took the cue and lit a lights for himself. We engaged in a small talk. He had lived in germany for 10 years and missed the good times he had over there. Every evening he would go out to a bar and buy everyone a round of beers. He almost forgot about me while thinking aloud. I reall liked this guy. He was warm. Strange how much you can peep into someone's life just over a cigarette. Just over a cigarette...
I got in the bus to find the only 3 people I know by name sitting in front 2 seats which was comforting as I was trying to shy off the gazes of people on the incoming person. Quickly I settled beside the american guy who was in cheerful mood. I sort of envied them. The conversation was seeking laughter and I tried joining in. It worked for a while but just for a while. I excused myself and closed my eyes. She started playing tricks with my mind but I refused to get startled. Plainly watched her kick me around.
I was woken up by the kiddish girl in my team. She was obviously very excited about the upcoming fun. I also felt cheerful to be in the mountains. There was snow all around and sun was bright. People had their gadgets ready for skiing. After a long wait the likes of me got the rented equipment and got on the flat beginners area. The instructor gave us tips and it was fun to go around in skies falling down getting up. Falling down getting up. Yes that was fun. I got off the snow for a smoke and noticed her smoking at a distance. She looked so much like her. I decided to send a message to her. The usual hi and this and that. That ruined my day. She didnt answer and I was waiting. Still waiting. Knowing that it would never come or if it does it would be colder than the icy winds of ski resort.
Mind hasnt evolved properly I think. It contributes to its own despair.
Now I am back home with a beer at my side. Its a long weekend, gonna get crazy at some crazy techno parties. They will hear me, they always do.

So much I have to say still when I open this thing I go blank. Another of mind's mysteries? Yeah it has me in wraps and bundles. just doesnt let go or is it me not letting it go? All confusions. Sometimes I get so clear like the alcoholics reference to moments of clarity. I mean not when I am drunk. It happens everyday for a while that I feel I am totally clear about everything and what I am gonna do but then it goes after a while. I am beginning to feel mind is more close to waves than particle. It goes up and comes down. The period is variable and the same things keep coming and going. It does behave in wavy way for sure. And takes me along on the ride even when I dont like high tides...
Anyways about today. I woke up with a ring of incoming message. Though of checking ti in half sleep but rolled back to my incomprehensive dreams. I woke up a few hours later and remembered the message. I thought who it mmight be and suddenly it was joy in me that I didnt even think for a moment that she might have sent it. She used to wake me up everyday. I was pretty sure it wasnt her but the absense of her thought made me feel like I am out of it now. The meditation from last night might have worked. I was so wrong. The whole day she was sitting on top of my head. The message was from a friend on whom I had a crush for a month. She is coming over next month to visit me and I am not even excited.
At work it was the usual stuff but we have long weekend this time. Tommorrow we go for skiing and friday they pack our stuff to move to different office. I am little scared to be by myself all this time. Going to work is a good distraction else she keeps hovering over me.
Thinking of that I can say that today was totally uneventful day. Nothing notable happened. Absolutely nothing.

Well, today didnt really turnout to be replay after all. Its strange how much changes in our lives in lets say a week. Look at pst week and the week before that, so many people we met so much changed but still mind gives an impression of everlasting present. Anyways I woke up with bad headache which is usual these days. I popped in a pill with two glasses of water and decided to call in sick at work. Well not really a lie. Her thoughts were still lingering and I could remember sending her a message in a convoluted manner last night. Mind was already playing soccer with me and I wasnt even awake. Felt like its gonna be another agonizingly long day. I got out for customary morning coffee though it was already after noon. Shaila was there alright with my extra sweet coffee. The world was moving around me with its tuesday afternoon indifference. It was cloudy but not so dark. I parked the car on the street and smoked the first cigarette of the day which sipping Shaila's coffee. The line of autumn trees with the still parked cars on the street gave a feeling of hybernation. It would have been good if we could also hybernate for few months in an year.
I went back for a nap with my mind already tired of the game. Dreams were fiery as is usual these days. A single glimpse of her wakes me up. I meditated for a while trying not to get overwhelmed by the sensations. After all fear love hate joy everything is a sensation only. We fall in love with them and get to hate them which is the root of all problems in my opinion. It doesnt help my situation though...
I got up again pretty late, went out for a sandwich and now I am off to watch Inland Empire. David Lynch is the best and I heard its a long one so killing time this evening would not be an issue.
So long invisible spectators...

I dont know whats i my head. Theres lots. Alright lemme start from the begining like yesterday. Thats how I promised right, all truth about everyday. Sneak in my diary all you want. No secrets in my backyard.
I woke up sweating this morning, it was a crazy dream. I know the analysis of it coz i did it in my sleep itself. My brother was there telling me about how to do stuff. Dont remember exactly now but that how it was and I was shouting at him that its enough. He said something sarcastic and I was out of my element and screamed. He mentioned something like being nice and all and I shot back that its not enough.
I got up with clock saying noon with seattle sky all gloomy outside. I didnt give much though to it. Had an urge to call in sick, not exactly a lie since I could have slept coz of hangover for another few hours but I had to send these green card papers, today was the deadline so I got up, broushed my teeth, tied my shoe laces and went off just like that in the clothes I was sleeping in. I have been dong that since many many years u know. I sleep in whatever and wake up and go in whatever. People find it strange but its pretty alright i guess. Not many girls have complained of bad smelling me, I mean not so aggresively.
I got my usual coffee on the way from pretty Shaila (or Shayla). My office mate greeted me with usual good afternoon as well and the sual how was the weekends also went on but me was busy with her imageries in my mind. The usual thing went on with me and my computer and all the shit all around. Its not so bad actually but I dont dig it too much also. Evenings we played poker without real money which works alright coz I am the worst gambler around. This time I did better and it was fun.
On the way back I picked up my camera I had forgotten at my friend's place last night and went straight to the bar next to my place. I had thught of getting one drink but it got enough as maybe u can feel.....
now me bored again of this writing shit to noone at all.
tommorrow is another day? I fee l like I can hit replay and it wud work the same....

I am gonna give an accurate account of my day from today. Today I woke up at 2 in the afternoon. Actually I woke up at 7 ealier also but it has become a habit for me now. I got up thinking about her like all this while. I wasnt sad anymore, more felt like a diseased person who is getting well, maybe. I drank a big glass of water, looked for a cigeratte found one smoked it on bed thinking of the dreams of not so while away. Didnt even realize it was much after noon when I got up. I jerked off while still in half sleep, like always and kept lyng about thinking whats there to wake up for? After dozing off for a while more, I got up instictively put on t shirt jeans and drove to the coffee shop by the corner. The beautiful one was there alright. She played her usual charms while preparing coffee and I tried playing it cool. Dark clouds had decended down in the afternoon. Bob Dylan was playing merrily in the radio about the changing times and all. I smoked a long sad cigeratte while sipping coffee.
Evening I had to to go to my friend's daughter's (is it allowed to have two such consecutive 's es) first birthday party. I like this friend of mine. When we meet we always get crazy. Tonight was bit more family kind affair but I still managed to ger pretty good sloshed. The grandpa was reall cool chap. I got out for smoke and he came following saying it gets hard on my nerves to be around so many people.
Theres much more to say but I am bored. Ask me whatever you want. Its an open book blog here....