I couldnt sleep well last night. Smoked two cigarettes in half agonizing sleep. The heart beat was uneven and I could feel blood rushing into my fingertips with gushes. That meant that getting up at 7.30 would be difficult. The alarm got me up and I kept lying down staring at the ceiling pondering to go or not to go. rushing aside doubts I got up in a flash, brushed my teeth washed my face put on a pullover jeans shoes collected the keys and got inside my car in less than 15 minutes. The traffic was horrible. The bus was supposed to leave at 8.45 sharp as the mail had said. I am ver particular about time so got a bit anxious in the beginning but then realized I wasnt so keen on going anways. I reached office at 9 and found the bus still waiting. Nothing exciting about the bus being there or not. Robotically I collected the form from my desk and proceeded towards the bus. Realizing that driver was in no hurry to leave I grabbed a cup of coffee and stood aside smoking. Getting in a bus full of strangers who dont act like strangers at all times was something I wanted to avoid as much as possible. The oldish looking bus driver with a very kind face also took the cue and lit a lights for himself. We engaged in a small talk. He had lived in germany for 10 years and missed the good times he had over there. Every evening he would go out to a bar and buy everyone a round of beers. He almost forgot about me while thinking aloud. I reall liked this guy. He was warm. Strange how much you can peep into someone's life just over a cigarette. Just over a cigarette...
I got in the bus to find the only 3 people I know by name sitting in front 2 seats which was comforting as I was trying to shy off the gazes of people on the incoming person. Quickly I settled beside the american guy who was in cheerful mood. I sort of envied them. The conversation was seeking laughter and I tried joining in. It worked for a while but just for a while. I excused myself and closed my eyes. She started playing tricks with my mind but I refused to get startled. Plainly watched her kick me around.
I was woken up by the kiddish girl in my team. She was obviously very excited about the upcoming fun. I also felt cheerful to be in the mountains. There was snow all around and sun was bright. People had their gadgets ready for skiing. After a long wait the likes of me got the rented equipment and got on the flat beginners area. The instructor gave us tips and it was fun to go around in skies falling down getting up. Falling down getting up. Yes that was fun. I got off the snow for a smoke and noticed her smoking at a distance. She looked so much like her. I decided to send a message to her. The usual hi and this and that. That ruined my day. She didnt answer and I was waiting. Still waiting. Knowing that it would never come or if it does it would be colder than the icy winds of ski resort.
Mind hasnt evolved properly I think. It contributes to its own despair.
Now I am back home with a beer at my side. Its a long weekend, gonna get crazy at some crazy techno parties. They will hear me, they always do.